Global warming is not what I'm afraid of

Is burning fossil fuels the number one cause of global warming? Dunno. Not really sure at all, because, frankly, there is a lot of stuff going on on the planet. Ms Earth has a nasty habit of warming and cooling, all by herself.

Is global warming the number one danger civilization is facing? I say no way Jose. I say the most clear and present danger is the current capitalist, corporate fascism. Just my opinion. But since you’re here, I’ll tell you why.

One. The present corporate-capitalism is a borg-like machine with one purpose: move money up. Forests are only valuable to this machine when they are broken into pieces and sold. Humans only valuable for their labor-production-profit capacity or the money that can be taken from their pockets. Tigers are valued by the pelt or zoo revenue. To the borg, society is a means to pump money up into high pockets. Nothing else. The borg cannot smell or eat grandma’s cookies, but it can brand and market and distribute them. The present borg system disrespects nature. Nature is invisible to it. So is society. So are you. So am I. It cannot see us. It cannot see grandma and children, nor smell evening flowers or savor the scent of your lover's neck. Instead it is programmed and empowered to consume and pump money.

And so, this one problem, this inability to value anything other than money, causes a world of hurt: poverty, pollution, junk food, dead whales. It's a long list.

So go ahead, control co2 emissions all you want. And while you’re pouring resources into that enormously difficult task, the borg will be busily breaking into pieces and selling even more of what is left of this lovely planet and human society. And we may well wake up in a feudal-corporate wasteland with perfectly controlled co2. With sea levels and weather still wandering around.

Two. Humans are robust and tough and have found ways to thrive in:

• burning romantic deserts,
• mucky inbred swamps,
• hysterical fertile crescents,
• high altitude picturesque mountains,
• tiny beautiful islands with coconut skies,
• anaconda/jaguar/ayahouska jungles,
• freezing arctic seasides,
• Calcutta,
• the outback,
• and American suburbia for godsake.

We’re cool, creative, survivors all right. We can thrive anywhere!

But (when the seas rise and storms come and weather patterns change) civilization could fall! (screams from off-stage).

You mean the civilization where whoever has the most money has therefore the power of law and force behind them to kick the shit out of everyone else and do whatever they please? That civilization might fall? Hope so. I’ll gladly throw some banana peels in its path. I’m sick of that one. Earth-life is literally sick of that one.

But real civilization, the one that’s been pushed to the side of late, where thinking, compassionate, mature humans look at the nature of the situation around them, and with their family, friends, and natural extended community, do their best to find ways to live happy, creative, exciting, challenging, non-destructive lives…well that one I think has a long, glorious (bumpy) future ahead of it.

Sorry, but global warming isn’t scaring me. Life is change. Don’t like change? Too bad you weren’t born a rock. Erosion denial.

But (when the seas rise and storms come and weather patterns change) global warming will change everything! (screams from offstage)

Everything has always been changing. To think that things stay the same is delusional. Weather patterns change. Continents move for godsake. Go with the flow a bit. Please?

We cannot keep sea levels stable, any more than we can stop the tides, or make every day a sunny spring nymphfest. There are seashells in the Rocky Mountains, and not so long ago the Sahara Desert was a pretty nice place to live. This is a planet of change. Check out this graph of sea level changes over the past half a million years or so:
(from: Eustatic sea level during past interglacials)
You recon you can smooth that baby out by controlling carbon emissions? (And if you averaged out the swings, sea level would be maybe fifty meters lower than now...and that means, well, a lot of glaciers up north. Looking at the graph, we seem to be near a peak.)

Before the next conference on global warming, I want everyone present to take a deep breath and say: ‘Nature is always changing. We can’t keep nature from changing. I accept that Nature changes. I am happy to be a part of Nature. I am happy to meet any and all changes whatever they may be. I will do my best not to be an asshole to the other lifeforms on this planet.(repeat last sentence two more times)’

Sea level has never been constant. To whine about it is kind of dumb. To say that if we control co2 emissions then sea level and weather will be stable is even more dumb.
Nature has never been stable because she is evolving. So are we. She's not about a steady state, fixed stars, Dantian reality micromanaged into the dust. She's out there on the edge. Honest and clean. Taking reality as it comes.

I'm happy to live with that.
Are you?

I say the number one problem is the borg.
We need to face the borg. Inject it with an appreciation it now lacks. Or kill it if it can't be turned to serve earth-life.

pushing money

On Bill Maher the other day, David Frum said something to the effect of “they hate us when we intervene, they hate us when we don’t intervene. They hate us when we support the dictator, they hate us when we oppose the dictator.” He sort of threw up his hands, as if those people won’t like us no matter what we do.

Is Mr Frum saying, his 'think tank' has found an entire population, grandmas to nephews, that won’t be reasonable? An entire population of perpetually unreasonable people?

Good research guys.

I’ve got a much, much, simpler idea:

US foreign policy is relentlessly, financially self-serving to big money interests, even when exceedingly cruel to the local people.

Simple.

So instead of finding a perpetually unreasonable society, we’ve found a foreign policy with a perpetual goal: push money, by war, by words, by forked tongue policy, into the pockets of the few. Push money to the top.

Am I moving too fast for you Mr Frum?

Money to the top. Never mind the blood. It's not theirs.

sick of meds 2

From health-care-reform.net:

(An excerpt from an article by Kah Ying Choo)

By citing these statistics, Starfield (2000) [see post below for reference] highlights the need to examine the type of health care provided to the U.S. population. The traditional medical paradigm that emphasizes the use of prescription medicine and medical treatment has not only failed to improve the health of Americans, but also led to the decline in the overall well-being of Americans. Starfield’s (2000) comparison of the medical systems of Japan and the U.S. captures the fundamental differences in the treatment approach. Unlike the U.S., Japan has the healthiest population among the industrialized nations. Instead of relying on sophisticated technology and professional personnel for medical treatment as in the U.S., Japan uses its technology solely for diagnostic purposes. Furthermore, in Japan, family members, rather than hospital staff, are involved in caring for the patients.

The success of the Japanese medical system testifies to the dire need for Americans to alter their philosophical approach towards health and treatment. In the blind reliance on drugs, surgery, technology and medical establishments, the American medical system has inflicted more harm than good on the U.S. population.

sick of meds

In the year 2000, a study from Johns Hopkins estimated 225,000 people (minimum), died of iatrogenic causes in US hospitals. That is, the deaths were caused by the healer. The third leading cause of death nationwide. The deaths broke down as follows:

• 7,000 - medication errors in hospitals
• 12,000 - unnecessary surgery
• 20,000 - other errors in hospitals
• 80,000 - infections in hospitals
• 106,000 - non-error, negative effects of drugs

(Source: Dr. Barbara Starfield of Johns Hopkins School of Hygiene and Public Health, Journal of the American Medical Association, July 2000)

I have a lot of contact with doctors and nurses (I work with them daily on their English to prepare them to work and study abroad.), so I know that they are human, and under stress, and that the system is never perfect, and so accidents will happen. So at first blush I see nothing insidious with the medication errors, other errors, and infections. Unfortunate though they are, and worthy of every effort to be reduced, well, we all make mistakes.

Unnecessary surgery however, strikes me as different. Surgery is invasiveness in the extreme and should be a last resort. That 12,000 people died as a result of surgeries which were unnecessary in the first place is shocking to me. How many were merely maimed, disabled, traumatized, or caused to suffer - along with family and loved ones? Why push for surgery? My guess: money. Here in Thailand, companies providing prosthetic joints and implants have teams of talented people competing to win over surgeons to their product lines. Inducements include significant pocket money on every unit used, pampered treatment and perks, getting docs laid, holiday seminars at desirable locations, visibility and status.

This leads to the biggest number on the list: 106,000 - non-error, negative effects of drugs. These are non-error deaths caused by medication. The doctor prescribed the proper medication according to present accepted guidelines. The nurses administered the medications according to present accepted guidelines. The patients complied. Non-error. No mistake. 106,000 (minimum) dead per year. Look like something is wrong with our present accepted guidelines? It does to me. My guess: pharmaceutical money.

Here in Thailand big pharmaceutical companies regularly treat doctors and their families to vacation/seminars in Europe, America, or 5-star Thai beach resorts. The more the pharmCo likes you, the better the perk. But all doctors get the perks. All doctors. It's standard operating procedure. Entire hospitals can even be 'branded' to a 'family' of meds, receiving in return both individual and hospital-level kickbacks. Shifting to a cheaper, better, safer brand - or even using less can become socially impossible. These are the same pharm companies at work drumming up business in the US.

Oh, and here's a link to a Mind Hacks article about hot chicks selling pharmaceuticals.

But don't worry. America has the FDA to protect them with safe meds and guidelines, right? Sorry my son but you're too late in asking, Mr GalaxoSmithKline's pharm train done hauled it away.

Ike was right

I've just re-read Eisenhower's parting words as President. Wow. America could use a leader like that again. I highly recommend reading the whole speech.

You can find it here.

Some excerpts:

Crises there will continue to be. In meeting them, whether foreign or domestic, great or small, there is a recurring temptation to feel that some spectacular and costly action could become the miraculous solution to all current difficulties. A huge increase in newer elements of our defense; development of unrealistic programs to cure every ill in agriculture; a dramatic expansion in basic and applied research -- these and many other possibilities, each possibly promising in itself, may be suggested as the only way to the road we wish to travel.

But each proposal must be weighed in the light of a broader consideration: the need to maintain balance in and among national programs -- balance between the private and the public economy, balance between cost and hoped for advantage -- balance between the clearly necessary and the comfortably desirable; balance between our essential requirements as a nation and the duties imposed by the nation upon the individual; balance between actions of the moment and the national welfare of the future. Good judgment seeks balance and progress; lack of it eventually finds imbalance and frustration.

and,

Another factor in maintaining balance involves the element of time. As we peer into society's future, we -- you and I, and our government -- must avoid the impulse to live only for today, plundering, for our own ease and convenience, the precious resources of tomorrow. We cannot mortgage the material assets of our grandchildren without risking the loss also of their political and spiritual heritage. We want democracy to survive for all generations to come, not to become the insolvent phantom of tomorrow.

and,

Down the long lane of the history yet to be written America knows that this world of ours, ever growing smaller, must avoid becoming a community of dreadful fear and hate, and be instead, a proud confederation of mutual trust and respect.

Such a confederation must be one of equals. The weakest must come to the conference table with the same confidence as do we, protected as we are by our moral, economic, and military strength. That table, though scarred by many past frustrations, cannot be abandoned for the certain agony of the battlefield.

Disarmament, with mutual honor and confidence, is a continuing imperative.

and finally,

To all the peoples of the world, I once more give expression to America's prayerful and continuing aspiration:

We pray that peoples of all faiths, all races, all nations, may have their great human needs satisfied; that those now denied opportunity shall come to enjoy it to the full; that all who yearn for freedom may experience its spiritual blessings; that those who have freedom will understand, also, its heavy responsibilities; that all who are insensitive to the needs of others will learn charity; that the scourges of poverty, disease and ignorance will be made to disappear from the earth, and that, in the goodness of time, all peoples will come to live together in a peace guaranteed by the binding force of mutual respect and love.

We have indeed fallen from a great height.

BBC, Iraq, and me

I just finished watching the March 15 show of BBC's Question Time, where a high powered panel and intelligent and diverse audience members discussed the Iraq situation for one hour. My impressions:

• How that level of discourse (in terms of time, level of participants, intelligence of discussion) just doesn't happen on American TV.
• How intelligent and mature the audience members members seemed to be. Though many different views were represented, it remained civil.
• The same impression I have whenever I see or read something from John Bolton. The man is an evil turd. And I type that in a calm, civil tone.
  
• That what I feel is a key point was only mentioned briefly, and not directly addressed. That point being that the US was instrumental in bringing Sadaam to power, keeping him in power, encouraging and supporting his war with Iran, and deafening in it's silence when he was gassing various enemies. It's ludicrous to assume that suddenly we are acting from the moral high-ground. We couldn't be trusted then, so we shouldn't be trusted now.
  
• That no one mentioned the wanton destruction of all of the ministries. I mean, if Iraqi self governance and stability was a goal, that's a pretty dumb thing to do. However, if instability is your goal, it's a pretty effective action.
• That no one mentioned the (4 or 5 I think) huge permanent bases, and largest embassy on planet Earth. But, the turd Bolton slimily spouted that no one wants the troops there any longer than is absolutely necessary. When the Iraqi's stand up...blah blah blah.
• That it was said that soon Iraqis would create laws allowing them for the first time to share in the wealth of Iraqi oil. That struck me as rather odd. Isn't that like saying that you can share in your bank account? If it's their oil, it's their oil, all of it, and it's their decision as whether to share it with others or not.
• Several spoke, in a frightening way (to me), that when the UN doesn't go our way, with countries like Russia, France, and China jamming up the Security Council, that it's something like a moral imperative to act to stop evil. As when China invaded Tibet, or as they could invade Taiwan? As when Sadaam invaded Kuwait which he blamed for stealing Iraqi oil via slant drilling? As with Russia attacking Afghanistan? Are we now saying that those are all reasonable, morally justified actions? If not, why not?
• Thank goodness for the internet, that I can access such info.
  

Thai style

(I wrote this a few years ago as a way to introduce American host families to two high school Thai exchange students. My students. I know the kids and the families well. - Years ago, when I first came to Thailand, I said, Thailand has a lot to teach the world. I still stand behind those words. So here are some of those ideas, which I wrote to help my Thai students have a smooth reception in the land of America.)

Thais are cool, and think that life should be enjoyed. Enjoyed properly – in a sweet, smooth, innocent and fresh way.

Thais intuit very well what is right and wrong
and they care about that.

They care about right and wrong.

They care about their own actions being right or wrong.

Love and commitment to their parents is absolute.

The Thai family is a rock.
A beautiful rock.

Respect for elders and teachers is automatic – and for the most part genuine.

Elder and parental advise is truly taken to heart. (Advise carefully. Talk from the heart, a Thai kid will hear.)

Thais understand goodness quite well (check me on this, please) and aggression, for them, is almost always negative - even when they show aggression themselves.

Seriousness is considered negative, as it lacks softness and joy.

Thais aren’t interested in changing another’s idea.
Other’s ideas and actions are the responsibility of the others.
Other ideas aren’t a threat.

Thais like to share the moments of life with other people. Being alone is usually a bummer. Open kindness is easy for Thais, as is forgiveness and laughter.

They are very comfortable in the now-moment. And uncomfortable out of it.

Jokes are expected. Fun is always welcome, and considered valuable and important.

Thais want to be awake with loved ones and friends, properly enjoying the now-moment, laughing and smiling, even through the difficult times. That’s the good life.

Thai physics

I drive down the little lane on my little motorbike. A dog lying in the road gets up and looks at me in a bad way. I sputter onwards. An old woman carrying a heavy load emerges from a sidestreet – like she didn’t even see me coming, or like she didn’t even care. I hit the brakes. I notice my sour mood getting more sour. A cute little girl in her little school uniform looks at me like I’m dangerous.

I stop.
I put both feet on the ground.

I say to myself.
Go with joy, or don’t go at all.

I breathe deeply.
It takes a while.

I feel joy return.

I feel joy return.
To my mind.
To my body.
I feel it shine in me.

I sputter onwards.
The dogs in the road part to let me pass.
Children smile.
Lights turn green.

Another Thai lesson.

How corporations kill

What makes a corporation evil?

I think that really is the question that cracks it all open. Let's turn it around: Why should corporations be good? Well, it seems that there is no inherent reason for them to 'be good' or 'do what is best for society' whatsoever. None. However if the people who direct the corporation wish to do good, they are at liberty to do so, provided that they do not violate the prime directive: maximize the return for the stockholders. So, no reason to do good, legal mandate to increase profits.

The system used to evaluate profits is blind to environmental and social destruction. So clear-cutting forests makes corporate sense. As does dumping pollution anywhere you can. The world environment and society have no value in the corporate reckoning system, so they simply are not counted. Such atrocities don't make it into the ledger.

Thus, with nothing inclining them towards the good, and absolutely no reason to care about the environment or human welfare, but a clear and legal prime directive pushing them to maximize return, what should we expect? Add to that mix a set of driven, smart, CEO types, who have perhaps convinced themselves that what increases the bottom line is inherently good, and you have a recipe for a very efficient organization whose actions could be massively destructive.

No megalomaniacal evil genius at the helm.

But destruction, exploitation, and all kinds of bad stuff.

These kinds of men built tens of thousands of nuclear warheads. Sleeping soundly in their beds at night.

I remember from my days at Martin Marietta (now Martin Lockheed) a cool, family guy, softball coach, project manager who had a big laser photo (remember those?) framed as the center piece of his office. It showed MX missile warheads returning to Earth through the cloud cover, like a family of falling stars. He was a nice guy, a family man, and he loved that picture. And if they would have been mere meteorites, it would have been beautiful. But it wasn't. They were dummy nuclear warheads. He put that picture in front of his desk, so every time he looked up, he saw it. Why? Because his work made those warheads fly so precisely. He was one of the nicest guys I met during my time there. I liked him very much.

He was proud of his work.
I was new enough to be sickened with dread.

Iraq: a two front money scheme

The simple reason that the W company (a front company) sent the American military to shock and awe Iraq is the old story. Old as the hills. Treasure. To steal treasure. Again. From the poor to the rich. Again. Yawn.

But this war has a modern twist. In Roman times money came from the booty of war. But W company isn’t so interested in stealing treasure from the vanquished – Iraqis were rather poor after years of brutal sanctions. And not to steal oil, though that’s a nice side dish. No, one of the great reasons for ‘going in’ was to take money from the US Treasury; to take money from the US treasure and put it into a few carefully positioned pockets. And the time and energy they take to position their pockets is truly amazing. Would that they could channel such intensity towards happy ends, but alas, I digress.

The American army no longer cooks for itself, nor washes its own clothes, nor builds its own camps, nor supplies it’s soldiers with means of calling home. KBR (Kellog, Brown and Root, a Halliburton possession, for newcomers to world events) does that at dectuple the price, thank you very much. See the documentaries Iraq for Sale, or The War Tapes for enough gory details to make you sick. Meals to the troops get billed out at $29, laundry $99 a load, and locally made cola $6 a six-pack. KBR bills by the plate whether there is food on it or not, and by the truck-journey, whether there is anything in it or not. They can even demand that US soldiers protect their investments. Good work if you can get it. And if the vice prez happens to be your former CEO, get it you can. Without even the process of bidding, and all that competition nonsense.

And then of course there’s all the material. The bullets, the humvees, the trucks, the smart bombs, the fuel. War consumes like crazy. Look around. Every company who sells these consumables is a ‘patriotic’ supporter of the war. Their stock is up. Patriotic bumperstickers fill their parking lots. “I support my paycheck the troops”.

A few years ago, via Riverbend blog (a heroic Iraqi), I read about an Iraqi engineering company, in the early, ideological days of the ‘reconstruction’, that bid on the repair of a bridge. They lost. The contract went to a US company, at ten times their bid.

What ended up getting constructed were permanent military bases, and the biggest embassy on the planet – a new, neocon Vatican.

America is in a money fever. Our army is on the other side of the world. The fever has gotten down to our roots.

We’ve started yet another war to pump money into pockets. Looks like over 700,000 Iraqis have died as a result. Don’t talk about them. Kids in Iraq can’t go to school and are growing up in a nightmare scenario. Don’t talk about them. The money is flowing as designed. Americans are getting poorer and working harder just to stay afloat. Don’t talk about them. The money is flowing as designed, from our normal pockets into some rich CEO's, and in the process is massive suffering and death.

The constitution lays out the mechanisms by which we control this beast called government. We have not used those mechanisms. The death toll has been enormous. Our karma.

Instant karma, because make no mistake my friends, this is a two front war: Iraq and America. The people behind W company know that the American people are their greatest threat. The Patriot act was no mistake.

Torture is legal; free speech is not.

Our primary torture base has a cute nickname, gitmo.

A two front war. Both countries are in mortal danger. And the money guys look in the camera and say ‘stay the course’.

This fever is at our cultural roots now. What are we going to do?

I want a new god.

The recent rise of atheist rebuttal to the monotheist monoliths has been interesting for me. So here's some of my thoughts on this God thing:

There seems to be confusion about what a universe without ‘God’ would look like, act like, value, be worth, and be worth living in. Well that then begs a better look at ‘the God question’ doesn’t it?

0. Can I personally communicate with God?

1. Is God an individual, with a personality and emotions and human foibles such as jealousy and anger?

2. Is God the only way towards Good?

3. How can we have ethics without God, when your good and my good may be different?

4. Who made the universe (a), its rules (b), and all the complex stuff in it (c)?

Let’s start with the number 4 and work our way backwards.

4. A three-part loaded question. Why presuppose a who?

a) We just don’t know how the universe got here. We may have our beliefs, theories, and opinions, but we can’t know.

b) The rules of the universe – tautologically beautiful and reliable – are also of unknown origin. These two questions (a and b) are fascinating to me in terms of metaphysics, but are not the stuff of rational debate between persons of opposing views.

c) As for the complex stuff in the universe, well, here rationality begins to find some traction. Given that we have a universe with basic stuff and rules, how do we get to the sublime reaches of human experience? Good question. I’m more than willing to entertain ideas that go beyond the rational, as long as they fit well with the evidence around me; but since this is a topic I can ponder utilizing my reason, a belief-only answer ain’t gonna satisfy me.

3. Sure we can have ethics without the concept of ‘God’. The concepts of pain, joy, health, suffering, wholesomeness, unwholesomeness, wisdom, and ignorance require no deity to fathom. All humans naturally understand these. The range of human experience is a natural and rigorous base for ethics.

2. I would say that motion towards the positive cluster: the joy, health, wholesomeness and wisdom can be confidently called ‘good’. And the opposites not good. In addition many of the actions ascribed to deities in various holy books have been anything but what a reasonable person would consider ‘good.’ Thus, not only don’t I see a deity a necessary to define good, I see deity often used as something that confuses the whole concept of good.

1. As we develop as individuals we hopefully rise above the blinding rushes of emotion such as jealousy and anger. Therefore I cannot ascribe these qualities in any way to a ‘supreme being’.

0. Great question. I would imagine that each of us must answer this one for themselves.

For me, if there is a God, that really did create all this stuff from the quantum fluctuation to galaxies, time, thought and memory, dinosaurs and pi, falling apples and the smile on a child's face, then that is just one outrageously cool, fantastic entity. I can't see an entity like that either interested in punishing or aching for worship...which is maybe just me seeing what I want to see, because worshiping a punisher was never much fun. For me.

Grandma's funeral

I just got done talking with my mom, dad, brother, nephew, and cousin via skype. God bless the internet and God bless skype. The ceremony will start at 2am my time. Two hours from now. My cousin, Jamie will speak. She just read me what she's going to say. It's perfect. It's more than perfect. We laughed and cried together as she read it for me over this blessed internet phone. My mom's going to laugh/cry like crazy.
As it should be.

thoughts turn waves to things

It's always fun to think about how thoughts cause thingless wavefields to condense/precipitate into things (isn't it?).

It's kind of like everything just is, waves and being and the Tao and the neverending nowmoment, and then one of us, me for example, has to look at it and say with a (probably repetitive) internal thought "oh, I see, that's a ___". And then, that group of wave energies that I 'saw' collapse into something labeled ___ , and continue on their perfect journey, tying the waves and me and ___ together. (for a long time, I guess)

I try to be careful about what I think. But not sucking at it, sometimes, is a challenge.

the commons and the FED

thoughts: the commons is the missing component in capitalism. Introduce a valued commons, placed under the protection of a trust, and banes of capitalism will be checked and the benefits remain. Please check out The Commons Rising from the Tomales Bay Institute.

thoughts: The FED (the US central bank) must go. It does not 'dampen' the swings of the 'business cycle', it creates them out of whole cloth. That's right: it doesn't guide us through the vicissitudes of a fluctuating market - it creates the risings and fallings to pump money into a select few pockets. That is its raison d'etre.
It was designed by rich bankers and is in violation to the constitution. It is not under government oversight, cannot be audited, and is controlled by private individuals who reap vast profits while contributing nothing to society. It's fractional lending system devalues the money in our pocket - an effective tax. It is the third (or fourth?) central bank in US history. The previous ones were shut down by an outraged public. Jefferson would not tolerate a central bank. It is by no means axiomatic that a central bank is either necessary or desirable for a nation. (check for yourself)
This is a core issue behind the question of "What's wrong in America?'.

Goodbye Grandma

My grandmother died yesterday. She was the coolest grandmother. She was tough. Different. Kind. And a different kind of tough. Giving and open. Not vulnerable. Sensible squared. Absolutely consistent. Even at 94, she was a better speller than me. Martha Lehti: Awesome woman, job well done. My mother is your daughter.

the rat

There's a rat in me kitchen what am I gonna do?
There's a rat in me kitchen what am I gonna do?

Last night while I was sleeping, I caught a rat.
Not a mouse. A rat.

And don't worry. I lean severely in the Buddhist direction, so I caught him/her alive and well. See, here in Thailand you can pick up a cruelty-free rat trap at any local market for about a buck. It's a screen-metal box, the size of a loaf of bread, with a lid at one of the ends, that can be set to slam shut when the rat has entered far enough into the trap. So you hang a little bait, position the trap, and in the morning you have a caged rat.

See, in my old house, we had a cat. Or rather, we had use of a cat, that was making use of us. The cat hung around, got fed, could stay out of the rain; and as this cat, Fang, had helped raise our two dogs from puppies, he had established a sanctuary of food and safety in a dog studded environment, without incurring (no pun intended) any obligation on his part. Yes, that old house was rat free. Any rat foolish enough to mosey around the our compost heap soon had its head or other body parts laid before us as booty for the Master, or, equally as often, the entire wolfed-down body would be up-chucked somewhere. Yum.

Fair enough. Nature solved our problems. And cleaning up occasional piles of slimy undigested rat chunks was a fair price. And half the time, Somjit (my wife), did it anyway.

Yet this world is always changing. And to even lowly, lovely Chiang Mai, comes the crush of money and fashion and stuff. We moved just before the Starbucks opened at the end of our soi (a soi is a little lane off a bigger street). Our peaceful area had become trendy. The Champs Elysees of Chiang Mai. Got more expensive too. Took us too long to cross the road. But I've digressed to far.

Last night I caught not just a rat but that rat.

See, when we moved, Fang didn't come with us. He was already getting on, and he just shifted off to another gig. We missed him and the way he used to let our youngest dog beat him up with a tolerance that I will never forget- to a point where a blurry flurry of cat-claws stopped the game.

So, that left us with two dogs, which quickly became three. But dogs, I now know for sure, are no threats to rats. And our new, quite old, house had hollow spaces in the walls and ceilings - rat-ways, built right in. We missed Fang right away.

And so for the first time I learned about these great Thai rat traps. I set one up, and the next morning I had the little bugger. He was pissing and shitting in fear, but totally unharmed, so I placed the cage-trap in the basket of my motor scooter and scooted about a kilometer and a half or so away to an open field, opened the cage and let the terrified little critter run. And run he did. God, they're fast. I had no idea. But I had given it a new lease on it's little life and I proudly puttered home on the motorbike pleased with the ease and humanity of the process to be greeted with a chorus "A kilometer and a half?! Are you crazy? That's not far enough. Have you seen how fast they run?" A monk even told me: "Your house is perfect for him. A kilometer and a half? He'll be back for dinner."

I was thrown into doubt. That little guy really had shocked me with his speed. I mean, they bound like antelope.

So soon after we had another rat. Same rat or not was hard to tell. But again I caught him/her, put the cage in the scooter basket and went about three long kilometers, across a canal and a highway to drop him/her off. Seemed like overkill to me.

I got yelled at again.

See living with rats is not just an abstract distaste. If you leave a few chips in the bottom of the bag, in the morning the bag is gone. To be found a few days later wedged behind the bookcase, plastic shreds and ratshit all around. You have to close off all food. We did.

It ate our soap. I kid you not. It gnawed on the edges of the bars, and carried some full-sized bars completely away. It dragged a bag of dried Thai chilli up into the rafters towards its lair, no doubt, somewhere in rat-highway, but alas for the rat, the bag broke, showering dried chili pepper all over our kitchen. Ate through aluminum foil bags of coffee too.

An now another rat was heard scurrying along the rat highways of our home.

I set up the cage/trap. But nothing happened.
Somjit's dad was visiting at the time and said that rats can smell the old trap. (Which meant that he was sure that I had not sent the old rat far enough away, and now it was back, smarter than ever. My bad again.) He cleaned the cage well, and set the trap. Nothing.

We waited a while. Covering food, hiding soap, and hoping hunger would drive the little jerk off.

Oh, by the way, do you know, rats are noisy? Not just their little scurrying, which is more like galomping, through the rafters, no, more than that, they chirp and call and cry and make all sorts of noise. Noise that our three dogs don't seem to take any notice of.

I set up the cage again. Nothing.

I moved it to a new place, outside our bedroom window, on a little ledge; it was a move out of character, and I got him.
This time I took no chances and went more than four kilometers away down twisty turny roads that none of you could fine your way back from. Across the canal. Across a highway. I returned home, feeling the hero, to be greeted by shaking heads.

By now you may have guessed it. This new rat seemed to know all my tricks. I set the trap with all my cunning. Nothing worked. But life wasn't so bad. We sort of resigned ourselves to live with ratness. We kept our food locked away - no bananas on the counters, no unopened bags of coffee, chili, or cookies - kept the soap in a tupperware jar. It begins to seem normal after a while. We might have been able to coexist. Just the taunt of rat galomping through the rafters, and of course the weird rat chirps and calls.

The rat diminished my manhood. No doubt.

I was ready to let it slide.

But he wanted more. He ate through the mobile phone recharger cable, which I had to jury rig with electrical tape to keep it all together. Then he did it again. Why? Just to piss us off? In the end all will be revealed. Next he started chewing new holes through the teakwood floor into our bedroom (How do you like that? An old, cheap house, with thick teakwood floors. Kinda bends the imagination.). And he taunted us with a half-chewed electric cable. The threat of fire loomed.

By now your realizing that I'm pretty much a slacker.
Judge me as you may. I believe I'm flexible with other species.

I set up the trap again last night. And I set it good.
Somjit rolled her lovely brown eyes.
I filled the cage with scraps of paper, cloaked in rubbish, and basically made it look like a trash heap. I scattered tissues and crumpled paper around. I lined the inside of the trap with paper - my students old math homework - so that the trap was not so clear amongst the mess. I did breathing exercises. I visualised rat-joy. I scattered little bread crumbs, little orange junkfood snacks bits. It was a mess.

The rat's urge for garbage sites was too much, and the door slammed shut leaving him/her in a pile on junkfood and math homework, and my manhood incrementally increased.

This Sunday morning I woke to such joy of the capture. I thumped my chest, and before the rest of this lazy house awoke, I took him five and a half kilometers away, leaving him at a carefully chosen spot, an area awash in cheap pondside restaurants and food scraps. Hell, I'd rather live there. I didn't see a single cat. Just a bunch of dogs. And we know how much a threat they are.

Only one regret.
Should've marked an 'x' on his/her nasty forehead. I thought about it and all, but it's not so easy to do as the toothy little hyperactive fellow is bounding nonstop in the cage through math homework, junkfood, and rat shit, warming up for a long run. And after all, it was Sunday morning.